Matthew is a beautiful little boy. To look at him, he is a normal four year old. It really isn't until you really try to talk to him or interact with him in anyway that you begin to wonder if something is off. But, for most of us, you brush that thought away rather quickly because, let's face it, he's four years old. Every child is different and every child develops at their own pace. As parents of more than one child, you understand that concept all too well.
But what happens when you realize that your child, who at 18 months old, had been talking for a few months, just stops? What happens is that you begin to rationalize and manufacture excuses for what is happening. Maybe he stopped because his twin started and the twin is doing all the talking for him. The excuses begin to roll out. The fact that he isn't talking becomes a part of life that you accept and are certain that it will resolve itself in time. Then time begins to fly by and all of the sudden, he's two years old and still not talking. Add in the fact that he is now exhibiting "odd" behaviors, such as lying on the floor, on his side, rolling a car back and forth, over and over again. Or, maybe he's rolling himself up tightly into a rug or blanket and just lying face down on the floor, for as long as you let him. And then you begin to notice that he doesn't play with other children, he always goes off on his own, to be by himself. And as you are looking at pictures one afternoon, you notice that he is never looking directly into the camera. That's when you realize he won't look at you eye-to-eye, he constantly rolls his eyes around just to avoid making eye contact. Then you start noticing the frequency of his tantrums, and as time goes on, the tantrums become more violent and turn into complete meltdowns. These can result from something as small as spilling something on a shirt, and your child freaks out so badly in a restaurant, that you have to take the shirt off of him just to get him to be quiet. They can result from attempting to interfere with whatever he is obsessing about at the time, or asking him to stop doing something and redirecting him to something else. By this time, friends and family have started to notice little things here and there and we begin to see less and less of them. No one likes to be around during a meltdown. We have even stopped going out in public, no dinners out, no birthday parties, nothing. There is an elephant in the room.
At this point, you begin to realize that maybe all this is connected. Maybe "something is wrong with my child"? Then it hits you, right smack in the face and you know in your gut that something is really wrong. As a parent, it is a moment that will stick with you forever and always. I feel I should mention that there is a big possibility that this "ah-ha" moment might not happen to both parents, at least, not simultaneously. There is usually one hold-out parent, saying, he's fine, that you are seriously over thinking things. Maybe so, but there is an elephant in the room.
Once you've gotten over the "denial" phase to the "what are we going to do about it" phase, begins the task of having the boys tested. Our county has in place a Preschool Special Education Services" team that evaluates children that are eligible for special education services. Matthew was evaluated by a School Psychologist and a Speech/Language Pathologist. Their findings were almost heartbreaking. To sum it all up, Matthew was recommended for placement in special education for the following categories of disability: a) preschool child with a disability; and b) speech/language disabled. There it was the word I had been dreading "disabled". That stings. Now, you and the evaluators meet to discuss the findings and go over the IEP (Individualized Education Program). During this meeting, I felt it necessary to tell them about Matthew's odd behaviors, etc. Their approach was just to wait and see, treat him like everyone else and maybe he will be like everyone else. And, that was the plan. The elephant is getting bigger.
School began, and the first few weeks went off without a hitch. Matthew and Charlie both seemed to be adjusting well and they enjoyed, as they still do, going to school. The more time went by, I began to think, maybe I have been wrong, Matthew just needed a little socialization and now he's fixed. Then came the day when his teachers approached me, as gently as possible, to tell me that something was going on with Matthew. Everything I had been seeing in the last year, they were now seeing. I'm not crazy at all. He was having his meltdowns, throwing chairs, toys, anything he can get his hands on. He was reclusive, choosing to stay to himself as opposed to playing with the other children. The teachers, who, I should say, are experts in their field, have validated my concerns. In a way, I feel slightly victorious. Now, it's official, I'm on a mission to find out exactly what is wrong and what I can do to fight it.
As of this writing, we are on a waiting list with the Behavioral Pediatrician. We have completed the twenty or so pages of paperwork and now we are just sitting on our thumbs. All this time, Matthew is not getting better, nothing is changing for the better, only the worse. Although, I will say, that his speech therapist at school has done an amazing job with Matthew. He is beginning to understand the give-and-take of a conversation. Most of the time when you ask him a question, he answers you by saying the last word you said. It can be very frustrating as you can imagine. So, thumbs up to the speech therapist, she has tapped into something we have be unable to get to.
The "A" word has been casually thrown around by therapists, doctors, friends, etc. and I had a really hard time accepting that he could possibly have autism. At this moment, I have read books, scoured the internet and spoken to other parents with autism and I am ready to accept it, if that is what it is. I can tell you this, as his mother, I am certain that he is on the autism spectrum. When anyone mentions autism, you immediately think of the television shows where the child is on the severe side, you think of "rain man". These children are not doomed to live in an institution, it just makes for good TV. The reality of it is there are lots of high functioning autistic children and you may even come into contact with them, but they don't look "autistic" and if you weren't told, you might not ever know. And, then you may be sitting in a restaurant when Matthew gets something on his shirt and proceeds to go into a meltdown, and we get looks like he is a completely undisciplined nuisance and even go as far as to assume we are bad parents. There is a elephant in the room but no one wants to see it.
